change
Wow. All I can say is wow. I am undergoing so much change that my mind is gone. I haven’t slept in a few months.
This isn’t going to be written out perfectly or grammatically flawless with philosophical insights, I’m just going to write.
I’ve been seeing ALOT of repeating numbers, specifically, 111, 222, 333, and 444. Anyway, I am going to tell the world about my life right here right now. This is just an outlet for me to talk since I don’t have a social life.
I’m moving out on my own in 30 days. I’m scared, sad, and ecstatic at the same time. I’m getting a new car next week. I’m trying to be a role model for my little brothers, to show them what hard work is. I want to spend quality time with them, but my mind is consumed with my career wondering if I will ever make it. Every day I pray I’ll figure it out. My dreams seem so close yet so far.
My mom just got out of the hospital so I am trying to be there for her and make sure she recovers okay. She is my business partner so I want to prove to her that I can build a successful business — that it was the right decision to partner with me. To be a daughter she is proud of. My dad probably thinks I’m a failure. I don’t know anything about anything. I am trying to learn, but I have to pretend like I know what the hell I’m doing. I struggle to be alone some times, but I also don’t trust anyone. I don’t have close friends. My dating life is nonexistent. I don’t even remember how to date. I feel like I don’t belong in Pittsburgh. I don’t go out and I don’t do anything.
I am teaching classes locally while also sticking my neck out to local studios to host my workshops in hopes they take a chance on me. I am opening my own yoga studio. I run a seasonal business in the summer. I am struggling to eat right. I postpone my weightlifting. I am overweight and still struggling with an eating disorder (to be clear, I am not as immersed in this mentality as my priorities have been shifting). I am heavily lost in my yoga practice with no discipline to my 4 am wake up time, meditation routine, or spiritual devotion. I am trying to financially support myself in all of these endeavors, which means taking on another source of income — serving, bartending, idk. I am writing in this blog, developing a podcast, and striving to create an online presence that I deeply resist. I have a new online private community and I have no clue where to take it.
DAMN. I swear I’m in the eye of a hurricane.
I know I am not the only one, and I’m certainly not seeking to get anyone’s sympathy. But damn. Just writing this out in words helps me feel better, something therapeutic.
That’s all I can say right now.